Here are a few points:
The more Northern you live in the country the more income tax you will pay. For every 10 miles North of London we will increase your tax by 1%. For the surviving poor and the working poor in London, we hope the “Wealthy council tenants” who will not afford their new rents are encouraged to go further north. The current climate is about… Social Cleansing… Social Cleansing… Social Cleansing! We hope to make London the capital of England for the elite – for our rich and our famous.
People who possess shoe sizes between sizes 1-6 will be charged a tax on their monthly Council tax. People with shoe sizes between 6-10 will be charged more. People with excessive shoe sizes will have their feet amputated.
This tax is to encourage people to be small so that they can be more easily managed under our dictatorship regime which we hope to have fully in place by 2020.
Council tenants with pets more than 10cms long will be charged a tax. The pets are taking up more room and the decision is that we will charge extra on their income tax per extra cm of pet. Pets are taking up too much room in Council properties and it has got to STOP.
Councils will charge per household on the households preference of colours. Charges will be based on the following:
Blue – £20 per year
Red – £18 per year
Green – £16 per year
Orange – £14 per year
Purple – £12 per year
All other colours £10 per year.
This will provide valuable statistics for the country and is vitally important for the growth of the economy. You are exempt from this tax if you earn over £150,000 per year. We value that you need your money for bigger investments and do not want to penalise you or put you under financial pressure. We value that you are working much harder than somebody on our minimum wage who might be working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week and having their once yearly holiday in Skegness in a caravan. To be honest there are talks about extra tax for those who holiday in caravans.
All households are urged to be honest when they declare their colour of preference. We believe in honesty. It is what our party stands for.
THE BLINKING TAX
Households will be charged a levvy tax on the amount of times blinked in a day. We will set guidelines on the amount of times that you are allowed to blink and the cost per blink. We have yet to decide on the cost per blink. Everybody will be fitted with a blinking device. Yes this will cost the country money initially but and there is a big BUT… You must pay attention to this… but… it is vitally important in raising the economy. In the long run the investment will be worthy and make our economy SO MUCH STRONGER!
To the people of Great Britain. For those who often complain that they need more hours in a day. Yes I can with great pride for you announce that we… are going to extend how many hours there are in a day. Initially we are looking at 2 hours extra per day but we may increase this over time. Our clocks are going to go from a 24 hour day to a 26 hour day. This will allow the “working poor” to work more than 24 hours a day and… stop the complaints of needing more hours in a day. It is only the “working poor” who can work these hours. If you are on over £150,000 a year we recognise that you shouldn’t appreciate your stature and that you need more rest. We actively encourage you to get more rest. And how are we going to allow you to do that???
… FINALLY, FINALLY…
People who earn more than £150,000 or more will be allowed a slave. The slave must be a CHAV, benefit cheat, benefit scrounger, single mum, disabled person or anyone who DOES NOT vote Tory. Your duty is to work these people harder than they have ever worked before. We will not accept shirkers in this society!!!
*Currently covering for George Osbourne who is having to have a lay down and recover after delivering his 8th July 2015 Summer Budget. He found it difficult stepping over the protestors who were playing dead on the streets and then got a little aggravated by the Lib Dems and blocked them on his Twitter Account. We are trying to make sure that he is protected from the negativity. He will be back on form to deliver the April Budget 2016.